So my roommate is pretty fucking cool.
And I just discovered she has more similarities. Which if you think about how many similarities we have, it's odd at times we got roomed together.
But god damn it, it is such a fucking relief to be able to talk about my rape and not feel like a freak, or like it's my fault.
It's such a relief I can be who I am and receive no judgement.
I'm so angry. And I'm so tired of being angry.
You will never know what it is like to be raped, until you have been.
And not all rapes are this violent, horrible thing with someone screaming, with a Very Bad Person doing all the damage, presumably a horrible abusive monster, or the big bad man in the trench coat in a dark alleyway.
Mine was done by someone I knew. Who wanted to date me. Who threatened suicide if I tried to stop talking to him. We had been friends. He was enamored with me. Complimentary. Charming, a good singer, a good laugh. We watched horror movies so shitty that I couldn't even call them horror, because I would watch them.
But he raped me. He ignored me saying "No, stop, you have a girlfriend." and kept going. Without a condom. Without my consent.
If I ever confronted him about it now, he would deny it, or call me a liar. The same way he did when I told him he might of given me an STD. (Reality was I had a UTI but some of the symptoms look the same)
In fact, his response to my saying that, was that someone else must of. That I clearly had been having unprotected sex with other people, he had been tested over a year ago, even though his girlfriend had cheated on him, clearly I had gotten it elsewhere. Even though I hadn't had sex with anyone else in over a month.
Even though I used a condom every.single.time. I had slept with the previous person.
Getting tested for STI's is, as a result, a bit of an anxiety buildup for me.
And I am still so angry about that, and the suicide threats.
But the rape?
I made myself forget saying no, or not think about it because it made me uncomfortable.
I'm only recently really dealing with the idea of being triggered.
I'm still angry at myself. I came onto him, I was a flirt, I was, and am, considered promiscuous.
I'm the weirdo.
The loser.
Why wouldn't it be my fault for not saying no in a more emphatic way, for not pushing him off, for not yelling, for not kicking up a fuss?
I'm coming to terms with this, I've had therapy on it for some ways. I called it gray rape for a long time, but at this point, it was what it was.
And it was rape. I did not consent to sexual relations with him, and then he proceeded to put me through massive guilt trips if I tried to pull away from being friends with him.
Fortunately, he lives in Florida these days. I don't have to see him when I go home.
But on some level, I am still so very angry with what happened, and how he treated me.
And I don't know how to come to terms with that.
And the thing is-I still recognize him as human, and as a person. I just happen to be angry at that person right now.
And I just discovered she has more similarities. Which if you think about how many similarities we have, it's odd at times we got roomed together.
But god damn it, it is such a fucking relief to be able to talk about my rape and not feel like a freak, or like it's my fault.
It's such a relief I can be who I am and receive no judgement.
I'm so angry. And I'm so tired of being angry.
You will never know what it is like to be raped, until you have been.
And not all rapes are this violent, horrible thing with someone screaming, with a Very Bad Person doing all the damage, presumably a horrible abusive monster, or the big bad man in the trench coat in a dark alleyway.
Mine was done by someone I knew. Who wanted to date me. Who threatened suicide if I tried to stop talking to him. We had been friends. He was enamored with me. Complimentary. Charming, a good singer, a good laugh. We watched horror movies so shitty that I couldn't even call them horror, because I would watch them.
But he raped me. He ignored me saying "No, stop, you have a girlfriend." and kept going. Without a condom. Without my consent.
If I ever confronted him about it now, he would deny it, or call me a liar. The same way he did when I told him he might of given me an STD. (Reality was I had a UTI but some of the symptoms look the same)
In fact, his response to my saying that, was that someone else must of. That I clearly had been having unprotected sex with other people, he had been tested over a year ago, even though his girlfriend had cheated on him, clearly I had gotten it elsewhere. Even though I hadn't had sex with anyone else in over a month.
Even though I used a condom every.single.time. I had slept with the previous person.
Getting tested for STI's is, as a result, a bit of an anxiety buildup for me.
And I am still so angry about that, and the suicide threats.
But the rape?
I made myself forget saying no, or not think about it because it made me uncomfortable.
I'm only recently really dealing with the idea of being triggered.
I'm still angry at myself. I came onto him, I was a flirt, I was, and am, considered promiscuous.
I'm the weirdo.
The loser.
Why wouldn't it be my fault for not saying no in a more emphatic way, for not pushing him off, for not yelling, for not kicking up a fuss?
I'm coming to terms with this, I've had therapy on it for some ways. I called it gray rape for a long time, but at this point, it was what it was.
And it was rape. I did not consent to sexual relations with him, and then he proceeded to put me through massive guilt trips if I tried to pull away from being friends with him.
Fortunately, he lives in Florida these days. I don't have to see him when I go home.
But on some level, I am still so very angry with what happened, and how he treated me.
And I don't know how to come to terms with that.
And the thing is-I still recognize him as human, and as a person. I just happen to be angry at that person right now.
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