It's 5:15 in the morning. I can't sleep, and I can't post to my usuals because frankly, I don't want people that I know to read this.
The line that keeps running through my head is from the Dresden files, "Pain is ugly"
I know there's more to the line, but give me a break-it's 5:16 in the morning.
As far as first posts, this is very disjointed.
I am emphatically not okay.
I don't want to talk to the people I usually do, because frankly I don't feel like they're options anymore, because I'm burdensome, or worry them, or worse, they throw it in my face when they're angry.
And I am REALLY not in a state to deal with that well.
So here's the deal. I'm polyamorous.
I am comfortable identifying as that.
It makes me HAPPY to identify as that, and better in my own skin.
I am bigendered. I like to switch along the gender binary, but for the most part I respond to female pronouns and give no fucks.
I am bisexual, in that YES I like to have sex with men and women, and YES sometimes at the same time, and yes SOMETIMES I want one or the other more. It does not diminish my sexual identity to be in a relationship with one or the other, or both. It does NOT make me close minded because I'm not attracted to trans folks. I hold them in the highest esteem. But I am goddamn well allowed to be aware of what gets me going and what does not.
And as of yet-I have not been attracted to someone trans. I can admire how they look, and appreciate it, but I do not want to put my genitals on them necessarily.
And being bi as opposed to pan is a rather emphatic difference and it bothers the shit out of my I've caught hell for it from both the gay community and the straight community.
I am kinky in that I am a sadomasochistic, rope top/rope bottom, switch. I straddle every bloody fence and I enjoy it to boot. Don't like it? Get lost
I am a feminist in that I believe in equal rights for both genders, I dislike either gender being abused, hurt or used, and have strong views on rape that will be expressed later. I'm also dealing with coming to terms with my own rape, which I referred to as 'gray rape' for a long time because I was and to some degree still am more comfortable saying that.
I am incredibly fucking depressed right now, to the point of which the best words I can use are dramatic, like "drowning in pain" and "isolated"
It is ugly. It is not pleasant. And it makes me want to cry and scream like a small child. But for the most part, I am continuing on.
I do not self harm.
I am not suicidal at the moment in that I will not kill myself. I don't have the luxury of becoming a risk to do so, because I have too many people I look after.
My romantic failures have been rather epic blowouts, mostly caused by my own stupidity, but the people involved certainly tangoed as well.
And I am going to be as blunt as humanly possible, and try to post at least once a day on here.
For now maintaining anonymity. That may change as things go on.
Welcome, if you're crazy enough to still be reading after all that.
The line that keeps running through my head is from the Dresden files, "Pain is ugly"
I know there's more to the line, but give me a break-it's 5:16 in the morning.
As far as first posts, this is very disjointed.
I am emphatically not okay.
I don't want to talk to the people I usually do, because frankly I don't feel like they're options anymore, because I'm burdensome, or worry them, or worse, they throw it in my face when they're angry.
And I am REALLY not in a state to deal with that well.
So here's the deal. I'm polyamorous.
I am comfortable identifying as that.
It makes me HAPPY to identify as that, and better in my own skin.
I am bigendered. I like to switch along the gender binary, but for the most part I respond to female pronouns and give no fucks.
I am bisexual, in that YES I like to have sex with men and women, and YES sometimes at the same time, and yes SOMETIMES I want one or the other more. It does not diminish my sexual identity to be in a relationship with one or the other, or both. It does NOT make me close minded because I'm not attracted to trans folks. I hold them in the highest esteem. But I am goddamn well allowed to be aware of what gets me going and what does not.
And as of yet-I have not been attracted to someone trans. I can admire how they look, and appreciate it, but I do not want to put my genitals on them necessarily.
And being bi as opposed to pan is a rather emphatic difference and it bothers the shit out of my I've caught hell for it from both the gay community and the straight community.
I am kinky in that I am a sadomasochistic, rope top/rope bottom, switch. I straddle every bloody fence and I enjoy it to boot. Don't like it? Get lost
I am a feminist in that I believe in equal rights for both genders, I dislike either gender being abused, hurt or used, and have strong views on rape that will be expressed later. I'm also dealing with coming to terms with my own rape, which I referred to as 'gray rape' for a long time because I was and to some degree still am more comfortable saying that.
I am incredibly fucking depressed right now, to the point of which the best words I can use are dramatic, like "drowning in pain" and "isolated"
It is ugly. It is not pleasant. And it makes me want to cry and scream like a small child. But for the most part, I am continuing on.
I do not self harm.
I am not suicidal at the moment in that I will not kill myself. I don't have the luxury of becoming a risk to do so, because I have too many people I look after.
My romantic failures have been rather epic blowouts, mostly caused by my own stupidity, but the people involved certainly tangoed as well.
And I am going to be as blunt as humanly possible, and try to post at least once a day on here.
For now maintaining anonymity. That may change as things go on.
Welcome, if you're crazy enough to still be reading after all that.
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