Sometimes I wonder if I'm not meant to be loved.
Not to be someone's love, not to be a lover.
Just friends, just compatriot, and comrade. Just have folks' backs as they need it. That's what I'm good at. But I'm dysfunctional and a mess, and I continue to fail at these things.
And I want to travel and do things. I want to join the military and fight, and travel, and leap from airplanes, and I want to do more then long for love or lovers in my life.
But here I am again, being aware that I haven't felt loved in that silly amorous way in a long time, if ever anymore.
Because I haven't ever had the ability to start settling in to make long term plans with people. Because I'm bitter and mad and I hurt in ways I'm not sure I comprehend.
Because I got raised with this story that you'll be awesome and successful and loved.
And while my friends love me, while I make sure that I am available to the people in my life as necessary.
I know what I want feels out of my reach. And it's silly. Here I am, just 21 years on the stupidass planet and I'm mooncalfing over that feeling that everyone never shuts the fuck up about. And I know it's not the most important thing or the end of the world, really, to love or not.
But sometimes, some days, it gets awfully lonely. And while I have fun playing and screwing around with people, I know there's no longterm with my psuedoromantic partners, nor would there be even if they weren't pseudo partners.
And I know there wasn't any long term with Joe, no matter how much I could daydream or hope because he doesn't want to live now, he wants to live back then where he was and he can't.
I just hate this hollowed out feeling, like I can be tugged along by my heartstrings, like I'm just going to sidestep emotions or relationships or whatever else.
Because it's easier, and simpler and I'm busy.
But I'd be lying if I said I didn't want it.
Not to be someone's love, not to be a lover.
Just friends, just compatriot, and comrade. Just have folks' backs as they need it. That's what I'm good at. But I'm dysfunctional and a mess, and I continue to fail at these things.
And I want to travel and do things. I want to join the military and fight, and travel, and leap from airplanes, and I want to do more then long for love or lovers in my life.
But here I am again, being aware that I haven't felt loved in that silly amorous way in a long time, if ever anymore.
Because I haven't ever had the ability to start settling in to make long term plans with people. Because I'm bitter and mad and I hurt in ways I'm not sure I comprehend.
Because I got raised with this story that you'll be awesome and successful and loved.
And while my friends love me, while I make sure that I am available to the people in my life as necessary.
I know what I want feels out of my reach. And it's silly. Here I am, just 21 years on the stupidass planet and I'm mooncalfing over that feeling that everyone never shuts the fuck up about. And I know it's not the most important thing or the end of the world, really, to love or not.
But sometimes, some days, it gets awfully lonely. And while I have fun playing and screwing around with people, I know there's no longterm with my psuedoromantic partners, nor would there be even if they weren't pseudo partners.
And I know there wasn't any long term with Joe, no matter how much I could daydream or hope because he doesn't want to live now, he wants to live back then where he was and he can't.
I just hate this hollowed out feeling, like I can be tugged along by my heartstrings, like I'm just going to sidestep emotions or relationships or whatever else.
Because it's easier, and simpler and I'm busy.
But I'd be lying if I said I didn't want it.
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