Ow

I had this nightmare last night. That I was screaming because my emotional pain became so tangibly physical.

That I turned into a monster because of it and tried to kill my dad.

And it could be argued it's all symbolic but frankly I just think it's all scary as shit.

And I'm so afraid sometimes of what I might be capable of.

And I'm still in so much goddamn pain.
And I don't have anyone to talk to anymore.

I feel so alone. Even when I'm not alone.

And alone, no one can hurt me, but no one can help me either.

I should get help, I guess.
But fuck this hurts.


It's raw, and it's agonizing and it only gets worse and I just want someone to hug me and actually hold onto me for a little while. To cuddle up with me.

And it seems like that's not really a feasible option because I'm keeping people at arms length. And I don't know if it's because I'm afraid of being hurt, or because I'm afraid I'll hurt them.

I'm in pain. But I don't know what to take to fix it.